Does this title conjure up the correct image for you? Can you see and hear some the 'porcupines' in your life?
Last week I was witness to one of the worst porcupine attacks I've ever seen. One of the people I coach was presenting his 5 year plan to his boss (who also happens to be someone I coach). From the first 5 minutes it was clear that this was going to be a hostile encounter. I watched helplessly as this 'train wreck' of a meeting slid from bad to worse.
Here are some insights and suggestions that I'll be sharing with each of those involved and I hope you will find one or two of these helpful in avoiding such a situation.
In my scenario, it was clear from the beginning that the 'boss' was angry and frustrated with the past performance of the presenter, yet he didn't say it in words.
I will counsel the presenter, who did get the subliminal message, to do the following:
Sometimes this approach will cause the person to be more self-aware and if there is nothing substantial, they may get back on track. If there has been a problem, then you get the opportunity to fix it.
The best 3 Step method I've encountered goes like this:
When a person is angry, never, never, never interrupt that anger.
See it as boiling kettle that is whistling to let off steam. Inside that container it's scalding hot and if you are not careful you'll get burned. How?
If you try to stop or impede it, it's like shoving a cork in the whistle. The noise will stop for a while but soon the kettle will explode, hurting everyone in the vicinity.
So what do you do? Empathize! Show concern. Make eye contact. Face the person squarely and with open body language. Nod your head. Make brief 'go ahead' signals like: I hear you. I see. And the....? Tell me more.
This is like turning down the heat on the stove. What is causing this person to be angry is probably not so much the specifics but the fact that no one is listening or 'hearing' what he/she is saying.
Just keep listening until you hear the whistling slow down, then you can...
"Sir, what I have heard you say is that last Tuesday you ordered....etc."
Is this correct? May I ask a few questions and take some notes? I'd like to get the facts down correctly so that I can solve this problem for you.
This is the transition step that's intended to get the other person to move from their feelings to their thoughts. Feelings are emotional and largely live in the body...the belly...we call them 'gut feelings'. A person cannot act out of their 'guts' and their intellect at the same time so first lit them 'blow off steam' and then get them into their heads by asking fact based questions.
"So, Mr. Smith did you say you placed the order in Tuesday, at about what time? Do you remember who you spoke to?
By now you will notice that you are completely out of the anger and into 'problem solving', a topic for a different day.
Please remember not to deal with the facts until after you've 'attended to' the feelings. Listening to another person's feelings does not mean agreeing with them. You don't need to say: "Yes Mr. Smith you are right we are a bunch of insensitive jerks." It is helpful if you say: "Gosh Mr. Smith, I can see that you're very upset and I'd really like to help sort this out for you."